A Not So Honest Man
“An honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind, and no matter who’s in our bed each night, we sleep with ourselves.”
—Matthew Mcconaughey, Greenlights, Chapter 4–33:33
Do you ever think back to the day a stranger turned into a factor in your life? You know, when you were totally unaware of their existence…then suddenly & instantly he/she is a part of your life; or furthermore, a part of your heart. It can be a delightful memory or a dreadful one.
When I first heard Lauren London state: “Ermias always used to say that, ‘you can’t possess people, you experience them.’”, I only saw the positivity within until I had an unexpected experience of my own. It was Monday, August 20, 2019…before I stepped onto the train: I heard his voice first, then our eyes met— it was an immediate connection of the same frequency & vibrations. An intense & magnetic spiritual bond that could not be denied on either end (we laughed about this later, relieved that the other was in a total wtf shock moment as well). It was like getting to know a best friend from another lifetime... Same hometown in Birmingham, Alabama, Military ties, single (at least I was), passionate, determined & ready for whatever was to come. One of the best parts? I wasn't preyed upon—after two exciting & brief interactions, I was kindly asked, "are you dating anyone? I'd like to give you my phone number." we talked about that moment often, as I had my number prepared to give to him as well... But he beat me to it. Same page, thoughts & frequency every time...even when we discussed the overwhelming & immediate amount of love, we felt...he beat me to it.
I was open, in a way I hadn't been in a while. I was comfortable enough to allow him into my world (you guys know I’m private, even posting this is a load for me but I must release)—home & job included. I knew what it was to trust a man enough to step aside & allow him to lead. I’ve never been one to search for love, I’ve always believed it will cross one’s path when he/she is ready. Neither my heart nor mind second guessed what was happening, I just thanked God for him.
There comes a day we all must accept when a person reveals who he/she truly is. This can be a ridiculously enormous pill to swallow, especially if the reveal is a complete 180. What was the 180 here? He ghosted me. Got married in two weeks (earlier this month). The icing on the cake—I found out myself. To know you were living in a fantasy of lies is an indescribable amount of pain. For the last interaction to be held in someone's arms, kissing, discussing mental exhaustion, family issues & planning to sort some other things out later that day...you can imagine how I’ve been impacted mentally & emotionally. Saying I’m emotionally drained is an understatement.
Situations like this will cause you to second guess everything you believe & unfortunately makes you re-evaluate yourself: “how did I miss this?”; “why would god allow this?”; “what did I do wrong?”; “how can someone continuously live a lie?” & the number one question of all… “why did I deserve this?” These are questions we ask in search of an understanding, a relief… a route to blame ourselves because let’s be honest, that’s always easier. I’m not one to be regretful; however, I’m 1,000% sure I could’ve lived without this painful experience. I was bamboozled, taken advantage of, neglected & thrown to the side as waste. I’ve experienced heartache before but never has someone stabbed me in the heart & twisted the knife to ensure I felt every broken piece.
If this happens to you (I pray with my soul it doesn’t), allow yourself to feel. Feel the pain, feel the sorrow, feel the tears & feel the distrust…because the only way to get through it—is to go through it. That’s what I’ve allowed myself to do. I could make his life hell, but I haven’t & I won’t. I don’t want more hate in my heart… hate is heavy, no matter the amount. Although I feel hate, I still feel an ounce of love for someone who disrespected me, wasted my time & hurt me more than I’ve ever been in my life. I think my remaining love is based on the hope of still being able to trust. Trust is my main concern, knowing I can undoubtfully & willingly trust myself again… ya know? Still believing in the signs from the universe & knowing who god brings along my path is for me. Furthermore, it was tough to not be upset with god… he brought him into my life & allowed everything to occur. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel betrayed by him as well, but I also still pray every night & throughout the day.
As much as I try to blame myself to make things easier…I can’t. I avoided sleeping for a while but accepting & knowing my intentions were pure helped settle my mind & allowed me to peacefully & willingly sleep again. I had to remember my safety net. People will always be who they are & unfortunately that may break someone who only cared for their heart & nothing more. So be mindful of your actions, be honest, be kind to others & know you’ll get through whatever you’re put through.
To the few who received this link directly from me, thank you for being my safety net & know that you’ve helped me in a way that I’ll never forget. Cheers to loving again… one day. :)
xoJR
“God’s got it Jazzy… and don’t you forget that.”
—Marva Brickell Mcdonald…continue resting queen
